What's on Klancee's Mind: 2011

Monday, November 28, 2011

Masquerade

There is nothing sane about this insane scrambling of my brain with drugs. (medication for bipolar)...... How is it so effortless, and hauntingly simple for my friends, family, and my husband to be so perfectly consistent? Everyday, they're the same. Everyday, I can rely on their usual personality, their typical reactions, and a rarely changing smile... I apologize in advance for this unwarranted and undeserved outburst- but SCREW THEM! IT'S NOT FAIR. I crave to be part of this population that has a natural, and unconscious ability to just be themselves on a day to day basis. I have spent years quietly resenting- no- obsessing, over mentally sound people. It is a seriously perplexing, and unattainable desire.
(Sept, 2015) I had gone totally off all meds in 2013 and thought I was doing very well, but in Jan of 2015 I again found myself searching for a psychiatrist counselor or a therapist, falling through the cracks because I couldn't find one my insurance would help pay for. so I went to my MD dr, we discussed the problem and decided to put me on depakote and after four months and gaining 20 lbs I tried to go off and the withdrawals were worse than the cymbalta or at least comparable. Took me two months to go off of it. I did now I hope that I can control and live without anything.
Besides my usual and unrelenting crookedness, I feel... well, fake. For years I've tried to imitate the consistency that I've observed in the friends I've become so envious of - and my results? Its exhausting, depressing, and hopelessly circuitous. The energy it takes to appear like a normal member of society only fuels my efforts for so long. It usually backfires, and I end up exploding craziness on whoever is nearest to me anyway. Its painful pretending to be okay when I'm so obviously not. Sometimes, my forced laughter makes me feel like I'm being engulfed in flames, and I end up genuinely crying instead. But, being a woman that admittedly craves social acceptance, I feel the need to wear a mask. I overcompensate for my weird and exaggerated socially inept awkwardness by intentionally being overly friendly, and outgoing. For years, this was almost traumatizing. I breached my own comfort zones so no one could see behind this mask. I think I lost myself.

Monday, September 5, 2011

A very scary thing happened to me

I bought a cantalope and washed it and cleaned it. While I was eating it I got a really strong aftertaste, I didn't listen to what my brain was trying to tell me, so I kept eating it the cantalope tasted very good, but with a strong nasty after taste. the taste was the smell or feeling you get after using one of these products if you get it on your skin or it blows in your mouth, pesticide herbacide or insecticide, Which by the way all have cide in them, like homicide, suicide, its all murder or death.

But about a half hour later my body started experiencing physical aches and pains, muscle ache and three hours later I was almost bed ridden, in fact I just went to bed and stayed there because I had no strength to do anything and was very sick to my stomach and I had a headache.

I thought about it while in bed and decided that it was the poisons that had been used on the cantalope or in the ground where the cantalope grew. I wish I had kept the name of the farm and contacted them but I didn't.
I think it was Jensen Farms out of Colorado.
I spent three days in bed, achy sick and unable to get the energy to get up, and without the energy I have no will to get up.

There are just not enough organic food out there to be safe.

so I am now careful when buying and eating things if they have an aftertase I don't eat them. whish there was a way to re-coup the money but there isn't. And we just have to eat that also.

I don't know what the answer is going to be for me because so much affects, but I keep searching for answers, because I know I can't keep on living with the reactions to so much of the world around me.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Poisons in our Food.

Have you ever noticed that the more intelegent a human is the more they think they wont listen to maybe some good information. Information that may help them and may not. But if you listen after you have made the person next to you in line (at a grocery store, bank line, DR.'s office. HOSPITAL), I have written in my blog how scents, perfumes chemicals, deoderizers, plug in scent dispensers. Dryer sheets. All affect me. Eiter by hitting my nervouse system or giving me head aches, muscle aches, totally sending me to bed.

AND I GET TIRED OF COMlPAING, but how are people going to get the message if someone doesn't bring it to their attention.

Meaning, I am not a stupid person BUT again I am no Einstien either, and I have figured out that the and improved products are making me sick, and probably YOU too. But the human race doesn't beleive it can happen to them, NO NOT ME syndrome.

There is a new chemical that they are using now that affects me immidiatly, causing symptoms that range from all of the above and some I haven't listed but affect me physically.

I bought a cantalope the other day and washed it good before I cut into it, while eating it I got an after tase but the cantalope tasted so good I kept eating it. Within an hour I could feel the poisoning in my body. I had muscle aches and my nerves felt like they were on fire and I hurt everywhere. I was in bed for two days. NOW two days, what if a young child had eaten it and there must have been other people who bought the same companys catalopes.

This is just an example, I get sick from a lot of things like this. I know you are saying "I don't have any trouble with this". My husband says it all the time. BUT I also know he has troubles physically and calls it Fibromalgia. they are so many Auto-Immune disease that they can't figre out where they came from. But hey LETS look at our food industry.

YEA, I grew up with the DDT and it was banned WHY do you suppose. Well I am not an einstien but I am not stupid either and if they keep lieing to us and poisoning us and selling us all this stuff that is safe for the inviroment, then they are killing US (Americans). We are causing our own health problems and how can the drs keep up with knowing where diseases are coming from. We are our own worst enemy. We are eating (me too) what they let the food industry put on the market and we are buying all the products they advertize on TV because of the advertizement, We need to think of the harm it is causing us. ESPECIALLLY our babies. our younger generations. Lets start watching this and being concious of what we buy. (DRYER SHEETS, FABREEZE) these are poisonious. Shampoos, cream rinses, under arm doederant. dish soap, laundry soaps. everything out there that is chemically altered to smell good is poison. Check out the chemicals, go on line and see for your self. DON'T TAKE MY WORD FOR IT.

Orin George Dexter, My HERO my FATHER

I am the oldest daughter of and proud to be of Orin George Dexter, my father was a proud man and he lived till 86 years and raised me my two sisiter and 4 other siblings.

My father taught me to love my country, respect my country and to honor it and be a proud American, there is never a time that the flag is raised that I am not overwhelmed with the gratitude for what America stands for. What my father and his brothers fought for, what so many men died for and are still dieing for.

Our veterans are the very back bone of this country. If they had not fought and millions died and are still fighting and dieing, we would not have the freedoms we have, we owe them our honor, we owe them our respect, we owe them to stand up when our flag is waving, and not let our country be beaten down. Stand up for whats right, stand up and speak your truth our countries truth. Do not be ashamed to be an American.

He was born to a poor mother and father, Vernon Orin Dexter who married Hannah Rose Degraw, in 1917, in Nebraska, they had 10 children. Line up, Orin, Wanda, Jimmy, Martha, Vale, Verna, Eugene, Lougena and Andrew. One baby girl died at birth.

He was born in Bridgeport, Nebraska, their first year of marriage, October 26, 1918, his father never worked much it was poor times and they moved from Nebraska while he was young, they trekked across the states from Nebraska to Wyoming to Colorado, and landed in King Hill, Idaho, for a period of time. They finally stopped in Oregon.

When Orin was 14 years old he had to leave home and go to work in the coal mines in Teluride, Colorado, and send his pay home to help raise the siblings that were younger than him. He went to work in the CC Camps for a while and then enlisted into the Army. He inlisted for 2 years and served 5, in WWII, he had four brothers who also all served in the service. At one time his parents had three of their sons fighting in in the war.

When he was honorably discharged from WW2 he came home and partied and met a woman who introduced him to her sister whom he married, Helen Maxine Buell (Taylor) Dexter, my Mother. Mom had 4 children when she married my dad, Maxine, Jackie, Chuck and Larry Taylor.

He had trouble finding a job so after marrying Helen, he went back to the small town of King Hill, idaho where his family had stopped and where he and his brothers had joined the war movement.

I was born in King Hill, I was very impetuous even at birth and had no patience, so mom didn't even have a chance to get to the hospital. My Nana help mom and I was born at home.

I had two sisters behind me Derryll And our baby sister Orina. (I will bolg later about them and my older siblings.)

My father owned his small service station business in King Hill, Idaho and we lived there until I was 11 years old. He did a very succesful business until the freeway was put in and diverted the traffic f miles to the north of King Hill, the town fell into obscurity, and is not a functioning town now. Glenns Ferry, Idaho is five miles west, and is the closest town to them now.

I never heard my father complain, he went to work all his life and everyday of his life, I remember not one day that he stayed home sick.

He worked hard at raising his 3 children and the 4 children of the woman he married to give them all the things that he had never had and had no opprotunity to have. I never remember being hungry, starving like I remember him telling us that he had days when eating was only a slice of bread.

I took these things for granted and I don't ever remember telling him how thankful that I neveer went hungry, I never went without cloths, new ones even, shoes, or all the toys and things that I wanted. I feel humbled looking back at the difference between his life and mine and how I took it for granted and never thought much about it.

I find that my life has been a life of selfishness. Totally absorbed in me. and what I want and I look around and see that I have not been the only one and that the next generation is even more selfish and demanding and with a me first attitude.

But I also have learned that I don;t want to stay that way so I am making the changes to my life that will make me a better huam being, one that can live today with out regret and shame for who I am. I thank my father for all the things he taught me.